


Stuck in the Middle with You

by fakeboi



Category: Crow Cillers (Cartoon)
Genre: Gen, M/M, Partially chatfic, weird meta nonsense
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-25
Updated: 2019-03-25
Packaged: 2019-12-07 19:01:32
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,691
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18238967
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fakeboi/pseuds/fakeboi
Summary: Brecken has a run-in with Brother Marcus at the mall. Meanwhile, a fanfiction author is ambivalent about the contents of their writing.





	Stuck in the Middle with You

The claw machine in the comic book store was dead for the third time that week. The friendly blinking lights inside it were on, but even though Brecken had spent the past few minutes checking the joystick mechanism, the claw refused to move. When Gaige texted him that Ondine was "kicking the shit out of" the machine, Brecken had pulled on his jacket and biked over as fast as he could. The machine was vintage, so he probably wouldn't be able to find a replacement at all if Ondine broke it-- let alone an affordable one. 

He'd already had to install a new windowpane for the front of the machine after a kid in oversized sunglasses carved "CHAOS REIGNS" into the old pane with a big pair of sewing scissors. Luckily, Joslyn had footed the bill for that, but the last thing Brecken wanted to do was overtax her generosity. He twisted his head around to look at Gaige and Ondine. Gaige was crouched behind the counter of the store, sorting foil booster packs of C.A.R.D.s, and Ondine sat on the countertop, sliding the sword on her lap in and out of its sheath absentmindedly.

"It's not the joystick, all the wires are hooked up and I don't see anything off," said Brecken. Gaige popped his head up from behind the counter.

"But kicking it would not have fixed the problem, right?" he said, scowling at Ondine.

"Well... no, definitely not," said Brecken. Ondine shrugged, and looked at her reflection in the blade of her samurai sword, running her fingers through her hair.

"It worked on my dryer at home," she said. She pulled a broken eyeliner pencil out of her skirt pocket, and frowned. 

"You were just telling me that your dryer is broken yesterday," Gaige replied, sinking back behind the counter.

"Yeah, but that's just because I didn't clean the lint trap and it lit on fire," said Ondine. 

"This is why we need you, Brecken. If you weren't around to do maintenance shit, the whole store would burn down," Gaige said. Brecken smiled, and walked over to the back room to grab a stepstool. 

"Ondine, what are you putting on eyeliner for anyway? Trying to impress Brecken?" Brecken heard Gaige say from the main room. Brecken laughed, but Ondine and Gaige didn't hear him.

"Since you asked, I've got a hot date tonight," said Ondine.

"Where, at Spicy Subject?" said Gaige.

Brecken let their bickering blur into a quiet din as he stepped into the cool, dim back room. There were bags of cheap plush toys purchased in bulk for the claw machine, some basic janitorial equipment, and three large cardboard boxes filled with DVDs of The Matrix Revolutions. No one knew how they'd gotten there, and no one had any idea how to get rid of them. He stood there for a moment, enjoying the feeling of doing a job he liked around people he considered friends. That was a rarity in Puke City, given that half the businesses in town were Crow-owned. 

Of course, so was the mall he was inside now, but it was easy not to worry about that. Worrying about the Crow in Puke City was like worrying about global warming-- there was nothing to do but ignore the situation and hope it somehow wouldn't affect you personally. Brecken pictured standing on top of a claw machine, clutching a Matrix Revolutions DVD, in the middle of a vast ocean. Living on a little island of toys on a flooded planet. He grabbed the stepstool and walked out.

"So you're going to let the law decide for you what's right and wrong?" said Ondine.

"It's not about the law, it's about how shoplifting affects employees!" said Gaige. Brecken had completely lost track of what they were talking about. Ondine noticed Brecken, and slid off of the countertop.

"Hey," she said, "Gaige and I are gonna go grab lunch at the food court. Can you watch the store?" Brecken nodded, keeping his eyes on the claw machine. He was going to take a look at the crane and check if it was jammed, and then make sure that the machine hadn't somehow blown a transformer. 

"No problem, I'd be up here working on the claw machine anyway," he said.

ab: so right after this is where marcus comes in

tk: i still dont know why you want to write this ship anyway, they dont even talk in canon

ab: it's some stupid horny fujoshi shit as you are well aware. dom marcus/sub brecken. they don't HAVE to have interacted they just have to fit the types.

tk: why do they have fit the types cant they just be two dudes and ones a top and ones a bottom or whatever

tk: like why cant brecken just be doing sex roleplay with a normal boyfriend

ab: i mean i'm not writing them having sex 

tk: wait im sorry what? so is it just like brecken gettin beat up the whole time

ab: well yeah 

tk: are you telling me your ultimate sex fantasy is just for some dude in a mask to like strangle you and punch you in the face and shit and then you dont even bang or anything

tk: is this like a self loathing thing

ab: please don't psychoanalyze me while we're talking about my crow cillers kink fic, i get that it's a little fucked up so you don't have to remind me.

tk: sorry i know im being a dick i just legitimately dont get this at all

Brecken watched Ondine and Gaige exit the comic book store as he scooted the stepstool up to the claw machine. He waved goodbye, and then stepped up to take a look at the crane mechanism.

"Weird, the crane looks fine too," Brecken said to himself, "I'd assume that something's up with the power source, but the machine's backlighting is still on. I'd better look up the model on the forums and see if anyone's posted the manual." Brecken stepped back down to the ground, and began examining the claw machine. It really was a thing of beauty, with the original paint job still in wonderful condition. Setting it up in the store had been exhilarating. First, he'd set the claw's grip to the appropriate level of tightness. Most American machines left the claw way too loose, which made it almost impossible to pick up any prizes. 

Brecken had handpicked the aforementioned prizes, filling the machine with colorful My Ginormous Horses and Howdy Crittler dolls. Then he'd jostled the toys just right, so that they weren't too tightly packed for the claw to get ahold of. Brecken found the machine's model number on the side and broke out of his pleasant reverie, opening up his phone. He searched the machine's name and model number on the claw machine forums, but came up with nothing. He'd have to make his own post asking for the manual, and getting a helpful answer would probably take days-- at best. Suddenly, he understood Ondine's urge to kick the machine a little bit more.

"Motherfuck..." Brecken started to mumble. He was startled by a tap on the shoulder from someone behind him, and whirled around to see an unpleasant surprise: a white-masked Crow brother in a black trenchcoat, towering over him.

"Hey," said Brecken, "do you, uh, need something?"

"You work here, correct? Because I need to deliver an important message," said the brother, who was standing uncomfortably close to Brecken, so close he could smell the brother's breath. It smelled like onions. Brecken backed away.

"Ah, no, I'm just... watching the store for my friends," he said. The brother put a hand on Brecken's shoulder.

"It makes no difference to me, you can pass on the message once your friends return. I apologize for not introducing myself. I'm Brother Marcus," said Marcus.

tk: roll credits

ab: that joke doesn't work, the name of the fanfiction isn't brother marcus

tk: but spiritually though, roll credits

"I'm... Brecken," said Brecken.

tk: roll credits

ab: shut the fuck up, you can't roll credits twice

tk: why'd you make marcus's breath smell like onions? are you afraid if you don't he'll be too sexy?

ab: can you give me actual crit please

tk: are you trying to do that thing where it's like, oh im not making them into oversexed yaoi boys or whatever, its just gay shipping where im also respecting the characters

tk: and marcus canonically would smell like onions

tk: i mean not that this is really shipping by any metric that makes any god dam sense

ab: fuck off

tk: im so sorry you're oppressed for being horny

Marcus squeezed Brecken's shoulder with uncomfortable force.

tk: OPPRESSED FOR BEING HORNY

ab: fuck off

"Is there somewhere we can speak more privately?" asked Marcus. Brecken noticed that his hands were shaking, and stuffed them in his pockets.

"They're going to be back from lunch pretty soon, I think," he said.

"Why are you here, if you aren't an employee? Just doing a favor?" asked Marcus, who was surveying the store and not looking at Brecken.

"Oh, uh. I'm really into claw machines, and I maintain the one that's here. It's not working," said Brecken. Marcus released his grip on Marcus's shoulder, walked up to the claw machine, and put a hand on the front window. Brecken winced.

"So you haven't managed to repair it, huh?" Marcus said. Brecken started backing towards the store's exit.

"Y-yeah, the mechanisms all seem fine, though. The claw and the joystick and all that," he said. Marcus turned to look at him, and he froze. Marcus approached Brecken, who felt nauseous all of a sudden. He cast his eyes around to see if there was anyone outside the store he could flag down for help, but there was no one he knew-- no one he could trust not to be Crow. He'd just have to stall Marcus until Gaige and Ondine came back, which couldn't be long. It couldn't. 

"Is there a computer in that thing?" asked Marcus. 

"What?" said Brecken. Marcus sighed, and waved a hand in front of Brecken's face.

"I said, is there a computer in your claw machine?" Marcus said. 

"I, uh... yes. Yeah, there is a simple one," said Brecken. 

"That's probably what's broken," said Marcus. Marcus pulled a gun out of his pocket, and Brecken tried to run, as if that would help if Marcus was actually going to shoot him. Marcus grabbed the back of Brecken's t-shirt, and slammed the side of the gun into Brecken's head. Brecken's vision was briefly jarred out of alignment, like everything was a 3-D movie and he wasn't wearing glasses. Then he felt something wet on his forehead, and watched blood trickle across his line of sight. Marcus shook him. 

"I'm not telling you anything, I don't even know anything. Please stop hitting me," said Brecken.

"You're supposed to be unconscious!" said Marcus. A guy in an Anchorman t-shirt stopped when he heard the yelling, glanced into the comic book store, and then kept walking.

"What?" said Brecken. 

"I said, you are supposed to be fucking unconscious," said Marcus.

"No, I actually heard what you said, just, why would you assume--" 

Marcus hit Brecken in the head with the gun again, and Brecken pretended to be unconscious. Marcus let go of him, and he crumpled onto the ground. He sort of broke his fall with one of his hands, but as far as he could tell, Marcus didn't notice. Marcus dragged Brecken into the back room, leaving a smeary trail of head blood on the floor. Brecken tried to be as heavy as possible. 

Marcus closed the door to the back room and flicked the lights on, and then took a folding chair from the corner and set it up in the middle of the room. He stepped on a wayward Matrix Revolutions DVD, and it cracked under his foot. 

"Why are there no real fucking chairs in this shithole?" said Marcus. He hefted Brecken onto the folding chair, and pulled a length of gray nylon cord out of his trenchcoat, which he wrapped tightly around Brecken to tie him up. Marcus snapped his fingers in front of Brecken's face, and Brecken blinked. Then Marcus slapped him. 

"Ow! Why?" said Brecken.

"Have you ever seen the movie Reservoir Dogs?" said Marcus. 

"You know, this chair isn't especially secure. I know you have a gun, also, I just thought it was worth pointing out," said Brecken. 

"I didn't ask for feedback, I asked if you'd seen the cult classic 1992 film Reservoir Dogs, directed by Quentin Tarantino," said Marcus. 

"Once, I think? A long time ago?" Brecken said.

"It's a masterpiece," said Marcus. He pulled a lighter out of his trenchcoat pocket, and then shucked the coat off. "It's really too bad that I can't light a fire in the mall." Brecken stood up, with the folding chair still tied to his torso and arms. Marcus grabbed hold of Brecken's shoulder, flicked his lighter on, and held it against Brecken's face until the back room smelled like burning flesh. 

tk: okay i have to comment on the fact that you dont describe marcus's body or anything at all, and you just go straight to lighting brecken on fire

tk: i mean i guess if thats your thing i can't judge but

tk: are you asexual

tk: or just like, really repressed 

tk: do you have a formative trauma of some sort

tk: is this another autism thing

ab: god you think you're so funny

tk: i do

ab: i really do

The pain was sudden and searing and so much worse than Brecken had imagined. He screamed, and Marcus chuckled.

ab: do you have a sexual predilection for fire

ab: am i gonna be like... here lies this dude who wrote weird crow cillers fanfiction... he died trying to shove a fucking tiki torch up his ass

"That's going to leave a scar," he said. "Maybe that was a mistake on my part. You have a really nice face. Brecken clumsily backed away, and slipped on a Matrix Revolutions DVD. He and the chair noisily clattered to the ground. 

"Fuck!" said Brecken. He started crying, and he wondered why he hadn't been already. 

"It was tripping on a DVD that did it?" said Marcus, "God, you're pathetic." Brecken thought about Sonic and thought about "Home alone on a Friday night?" and then he wondered if he was going to die. Then he tried to stop wondering that, but it didn't work. Marcus kicked him Brecken the head. Then Marcus paused, fished around in his pockets, and cursed quietly. He pulled out a battered 00s-era white iPod, but it didn't seem to be what he was looking for.

"These have so much more memory than the modern ones, you know," he said, as if Brecken was a casual friend of his, and not someone bleeding from the head on the floor in the back room of a comic book store. They were both silent for a moment, or almost silent. Brecken made some gurgling noises. Marcus tugged at his shirt collar, and sighed.

"I forgot my knife," he said.

"You... have a gun," said Brecken. Marcus tried to kick Brecken in the head again, but Brecken squirmed away and Marcus's boot only made contact with his shoulder.

"Well, I saw some of those mall swords in the front, so I'll have to ask you to sit tight while I get one," said Marcus.

"Okay," said Brecken. 

tk: i don't know what you think is so funny anyway if the entire joke is that i'm horny about abuse

(brecken's flesh burns off his face and we see his skull underneath it)

ab: can't it be funny in a sad way

(blood pours out of his skull mouth and then his tongue falls out)

tk: i'm tired of that and i think it's a fake idea for sociopaths

(marcus hammers nails into every bone in brecken's rib cage until the whole deal shatters into a million pieces)

tk: i mean, not sociopaths. sociopaths are a fake idea too actually

(he starts biting the flesh off of brecken's arms)

ab: hey man the key to comedy is exaggeration

(he starts eating brecken's fingers)

tk: how'd i get like this

(marcus chokes on the fingers because the nails are still on there)

tk: i mean some people were gross online to me when i was too young for it, i saw some things i shouldn't have

(he falls over and dies and brecken's corpse gets up and cheers)

tk: but it's not a big deal. it's not like anything ever actually happened.

(he does a victory dance and no one is there to tell him he looks retarded)

ab: unless something did, and you just don't remember

(triumphant music orchestral swell)

tk: i'd remember

(gaige comes into the back room and hugs him and he comes back to life and all of his meat and bones and everything it's all normal again)

tk: like maybe it's just the internet equivalent of finding your dad's playboy collection rolled up inside a fucking butter churn or whatever happened back in the day

(it all grows back)

tk: maybe i'm only a normal amount of fucked up and i just want to feel special

(he's a new man)

tk: maybe i'm a fucked up amount of fucked up but there isn't any real way to justify it

(he gets to start from square one, on some level)

ab: people write fanfictions like this all the time, it's no big deal

(but with everything he's learned, so he doesn't repeat the same mistakes like everybody else)

tk: yeah but they hate themselves for it way less

ab: i don't want you to hate yourself, you know. i just don't want, like, kids to see this, that's all

(so he and gaige are like standing there and hugging and crying)

ab: i don't want them to feel the way i feel now

(and it doesn't hurt them the way it would hurt me when they're all over each other)

ab: it's like every time i express these jacked up desires that random assholes pushed onto me i'm spreading the virus to new victims

(would it really make me happy to be loved like that)

tk: see this is exactly what i'm saying about your relationship to your sexuality

(is it even possible for me)

ab: how do you know other people hate themselves less

(should i just get used to being like this)

ab: maybe everyone feels like this

WELL I DON'T KNOW WHY I CAME HERE TONIGHT

tk: the idea that everyone else in addition to me feels like shit and i'm just too selfish to notice does not improve my self-image

I GOT THE FEELING THAT SOMETHING AIN'T RIGHT  
I'M SO SCARED IN CASE I FALL OFF MY CHAIR  
AND I'M WONDERING HOW I'LL GET DOWN THE STAIRS 

Marcus held an unsheathed mall ninja sword with a Joker-hair-green-lacquered handle in one hand, and a white '00s-era iPod hooked up to a crappy speaker in the other. Unsurprisingly, it was blaring Stuck In The Middle With You by Stealers Wheel.

"You know, in Reservoir Dogs, Michael Madsen actually improvised the dance he did in the infamous ear-cutting scene," said Marcus.

CLOWNS TO THE LEFT OF ME  
JOKERS TO THE RIGHT  
HERE I AM  
STUCK IN THE MIDDLE WITH YOU

"The what?" said Brecken. 

ab: if brecken gets his ear cut off that's officially gross

ab: that's officially some horror movie shit

tk: ugh shut up

tk: shut up shut up shut up

ab: legally not allowed to shut up

"I really didn't hear you this time," said Brecken quietly. His head ached, and the burn on his face stung. When Marcus strolled over and put the blade of the mall sword up to Brecken's ear, Brecken was just trying to pay attention to his body as little as possible, attempting to cultivate the sensation of floating away. Floating away on a claw machine in the ocean. He braced himself, and his jaw was still clenched when he heard the footsteps approaching the door. It swung open, and Ondine and Gaige stood in the doorway.

"Dude! What the fuck is going on in here?" said Ondine, brandishing a sword. 

"I'm here on the authority of the Crow, and I--" said Marcus. He pointed his sword at Ondine.

"Do you even know how to use that thing?" she said, unperturbed. Gaige rolled his eyes.

"He doesn't," said Gaige, "which I know from personal experience." Marcus dropped his mall sword onto the ground with a clatter. Stealers Wheel was still playing faintly in the background.

"I don't need to know how to use it. I could report you both to the Crow this instant," he said. 

"Not if I stab you," said Ondine, putting the sword under Marcus' chin. Marcus sighed.

"Just for the record, I'm only leaving because I don't have time for this," he said. Brecken groaned, Marcus stalked out of the room, and everyone was silent for a moment. Gaige looked at Brecken.

"We should probably call an ambulance," said Gaige.

"Can we afford that?" said Ondine.

"I don't know, we better just call Joslyn," said Gaige.

ab: well that was anticlimactic

tk: i think it got out of my hands a little bit. i stopped being able to articulate what i wanted to say.

ab: what the fuck was this shitty fanfiction expressing

tk: i just said i can't articulate it, you dumb tool

ab: geez.

tk: sorry

tk: well like, there's no sex in this fanfiction. and there's violence, but not as much as i was imagining. initially.

ab: ok

tk: but like i dunno in my head it's all the same thing coming from the same place. sex and violence and self-loathing

ab: you should talk to your therapist about this

tk: it's just so silly though. and it's just so embarrassing.


End file.
